W12 Family Councils

I feel the articles we were given to read this week can really bless the lives of families everywhere. I especially enjoyed the chapter from Elder Ballards “Counseling with your Councils” and Elder Eyring’s talk on unity. I think they go hand in hand with each other. I believe family or couple councils bring greater unity to a family because they allow all members of the family to have a voice and feel like they are an important contributor to what goes on in the family.

I found a few principles from Elder Ballard that I think we can apply in our family council. First, making sure we are expressing our feelings of love and concern to each other. I think this one simple thing will be helpful in creating the best atmosphere to hold a family council. I think it goes right along with praying to have the Spirit in attendance and then behaving in a way that He would feel welcome. 

I also think that something Elder Eyring said applies to this as well. He says, “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne.11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.” (“That We May Be One”, Ensign, May 1998) Perhaps when we find that we have feelings of contention in our family council, it might be best to end that council, and try again later when we can all have the Spirit with us. 

Something else that really stood out to me from Elder Ballard, was the fact that in the Quorum of the Twelve council meetings, no decisions were made unless everyone was in agreement. Everyone is given a voice on the matter, but nothing is finalized until all are in complete agreement. In a family, I think there are times when parents need to make decisions without the children’s input. However, I feel that whenever it is appropriate, this is a good way to proceed, even in family council. Doing so will really help every member of the family feel important and valuable, and unity will grow.

These quotes from President Spencer W. Kimball are directed towards those tho are newly married, but I want to remember them for the future when my own children start their married lives.

“Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, ad their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.”WW

“Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life”

W11 Being unified with our spouse....literally and figuratively

I was on social media today and came across a post where a young wife was asking for counsel from the masses on how to resolve a conflict she was having with her husband. She had recently been offered her "dream job" in California and she really wanted to take it. However, her husband had also been accepted to medical school on the east coast and anticipated starting classes at about the same time she would need to start her job. She worried that if she said no to the job she may resent her husband later, so she was considering living apart from him so he could do school and she could have the job. She wasn't sure if that was a good idea (is what she said anyway).

I'll admit that I was a little exasperated by her post. 

Henry B. Eyring gave an awesome talk about how to be united with our spouse similar to the way that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are united in their purpose. President Eyring said that each week as we take the sacrament and renew our covenants with the Lord, we promise to remember Him in all that we do and to keep His commandments so that we can have the Holy Ghost with us. He cautioned that we should not be selective in our obedience to laws of the gospel and also that we must be aware of our pride and avoid letting it disrupt our family life. He said that the Saviors atonement is what makes it possible for our natures to change in marriage and for us to truly be one with our spouse. 

The natural man is an enemy to God. Satan is very subtle and cunning in the ways that he tries to break families apart. 

As I think about how this relates to the young wife on social media, I consider how desperate she seemed for herself. Her dream, her plans, and her desires. There really wasn't any talk of how she might save her marriage or change her heart and turn it toward her husband. 

Marriage isn't easy. It's full of give and take, sacrifice, forgiveness and the need for charity towards each other. The sooner we learn that, the better off we will be. It broke my heart to think of all that this girl would be giving up if she decided to live separately from her husband in order to work at her dream job. So many opportunities for personal AND marital growth; TOGETHER with her husband instead of apart.

W10 Charity

In the book "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, there is an entire chapter on charity. There is a quote from Marvin J. Ashton in this chapter that I have also had hanging in my home for years. It says: "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." Essentially, that would be having the mind of Christ and seeing our spouse the way that He sees them. It's a nice idea; but what does that actually look like in real life?

There is a story that is relayed in this same chapter about a man who is asking for counsel on how he might be able to possibly salvage his marriage to a woman he despises. He says that there is NOTHING about his wife that he even likes at this point. Even though he has tried everything to fix her and their marriage that nothing has helped. He still can't stand her. 

Maybe you've been there too; feeling like there is no hope of being happy in your current situation. I know I have, and it's not a good place to be.  What can we do to bring hope back? 

Here is the response that man was given:

"There were probably several things you enjoyed about your wife when you married her. After a while, differences. become irritants for most of us who are married. Then we make a critical choice. Will the irritants be the basis for blaming or for compassion? When we react with blame, it usually worsens the condition we hate. We see more faults and feel more irritated.  In our own ways, we all contribute to our own unhappiness. 

There is an alternative. At every critical juncture we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth.  We can, as Gottman suggests, "find the glory in our marital story." We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth. 

It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework. "

I thought this was so profound. Charity isn't automatic or always easily felt. But we can CHOOSE charity. We can CHOOSE to see our spouse as a person just like we are. A person with hopes and dreams, disappointments and weaknesses. We can show them the same kind of mercy that we want and need from the Savior.

I think most of us come into marriage with expectations, goals, and dreams of what we want our life to be like.  It can be truly heartbreaking when we have to face that not all of our dreams can come true. Not all of our expectations will be met. Our spouse might value things different from us. The magical part is that we are still okay. Goals and dreams can evolve into something entirely different than we started with. Expectations can be reevaluated. Values can change. Life is fluid. When we know better, we can do better. Our lives can become greater and hold deeper meaning than anything we imagine for ourselves if we let the One who created us take the lead. The Lord can see the end from the beginning and He wants us to be happy. If there's one thing I know, it's that marriage and parenting are the primary places where I feel the Refiners Fire burning in my life, molding me into something new and making beauty from the ashes.

W09 Gridlocked

According to John Gottman, about 69% of problems in marriage are perpetual. That means they will NEVER BE SOLVED!! I don't know about you, but that statistic is pretty dang discouraging to me. I'm not sure if that says more about the amount of conflict we've had or the quality of our problem solving....

Marriage is a unique combination of two people from different backgrounds, with different perceptions and ideas about how life should go, different dreams, goals, and different styles of pursuing them. There's bound to be some conflict. Gottman says that the most important thing is not if conflict exists (it does for everyone), but how we handle it when conflicts arise (because they will).

My husband and I have had differences surrounding money since very shortly after we got married (and combined our finances). It has been heated more times than I can count, and it has been HARD to maintain perspective and not let this issue rule the day.  And it's not just about money, of course. It's about the dreams and goals that we each have where money is involved. Dreams of owning a home, lifestyle expectations, when and how much we will financially contribute to our childrens educational pursuits, and even providing for ourselves once we retire. Its a lot to consider and try to come to an agreement on. Especially since my husband is the sole breadwinner and I am a stay at home mother to our four children. While I truly believe that it has been crucial for me to be at home raising my children and a blessing that is not afforded to many, it hasn't come without sacrifice.

According to Gottman, once we identify and define our various disagreements, we can customize our coping strategies. I'll admit it's taken a lot of counseling over the years to work through this issue...and by "work through", I really mean that I have had to adjust my expectations and decide what is most important to me. My marriage and family or some other life goal I had? And sometimes I have to remind myself again. Gottman says that couples who deal with perpetual problems in a way that keeps them in their place and doesn't overwhelm the relationship will be better off than those who get angry and disparage their spouse.

Of course there will be problems that can be solved. If these arise, it's best to get them taken care of  in a safe and healthy way so that you can move on together. The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem, Gottman says, is communicating basic acceptance of your partners personality. "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you."  Here are some strategies he recommends for conflict resolution.

1. Soften your startup (use I statements, don't complain). These conversations invariably end on the same note they began.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.If it starts to get heated, put the brakes on and calm down before continuing.
3.Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise. Accept influence from your partner.
5. Be tolerant of each others faults.Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.

Marriages can still thrive even with problems that won't ever be solved. This journey isn't meant to be easy. We are in the Refiners Fire here and we are in it together.  With God at the center of our marriage there is no conflict too hard to handle. Humility, kindness, and forgiveness are key.  Isn't that what we all want for ourselves? Lets not forget to grant the same grace to those we love most.

W08 Beware of Pride

This week I had an opportunity to revisit one of my favorite talks given by Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet and president of my church (Links to an external site.). The talk was on pride and all of the ways that it is manifest in our lives and can affect our relationships with self and others. Some of the topics he touched on were disobedience, selfishness, and contention. 

One of my favorite quotes from his talk was this:

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

As I read this, I thought about the times when I can find a hundred things wrong with my husband and none with myself.  It's easy to feel frustration or impatience with what we think are someone else's imperfections. Those thoughts and feelings will grow exponentially if they are given the space and time to grow. I remember one time I was talking to someone about some of my husbands "shortcomings". He said to me: Have you ever done (whatever annoying thing I had mentioned)? I said yes, of course. He wondered what made it any different for me than my husband. It was a good life lesson on being as patient with others as I am with myself.  It was quite humbling! ha!  

President Benson also said this: Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

This is a great question for all of us to reflect on, especially as it pertains to our spouse and children. Do I desire to life others and bring them to Christ? Do I show them that in the way that I treat them?

I loved the grapefruit analogy in Goddards book. I can relate to being the wife listing off small offenses and things that bug her. My husband would say the same thing if he was asked what bothers him about me. Nothing. And as romantic as that sounds, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with the kind of man my husband really is.  

W07 Turning Towards Each Other & Sharing meaning

This was another week of some really insightful material to cover and some things I wanted to include here on my blog that come directly from our material. First, I loved the idea of turning towards each other in our every day lives. What that means is taking time to connect with your spouse during what may seem like every day or mundane moments, such as over a meal, during routines, or even just checking in during the work day; being there in times of normalcy instead of just during crisis. John Gottman talked about the "stress-reducing conversation" as a way to help each of us manage stress that is not caused by our marriage so that it doesn't spill over and start to weaken our relationship with our spouse. He listed a method for having this conversation using the following technique:
1. Take turns. Each partner gets to talk for 15 minutes.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. Don't try to fix unless your partner has specifically asked for a solution. Focus on empathy and validation of feelings.
3. Show genuine interest. Focus on your spouse and use encouraging gestures like head nodding and "uh-huh", along with keeping eye contact.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize. "I can see why you feel that way."
5. Take your spouses side. This means being supportive even if you don't agree with their perspective. Don't make judgments or tell them what to do. Our job is to say "poor baby". haha!
6. Express an "us against them" attitude. Let your partner know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. Hold hands, tell them you love them, or some other form of loving contact.
8. Validate emotions. Let your spouse know that their feelings make sense to you. Say things like "yeah that is so sad" "I'd be worried too" or "I can see why you'd be annoyed about that"

If you aren't sure whether or not your spouse would like for you to offer ideas on how to solve the problem they're facing, you can always ask them. Gottman says that if we have this kind of conversation every day, it will benefit our marriage and we will come away with the conviction that our spouse is on our side. He says that knowing we are on the same team is one of the foundations of a long lasting friendship. 

I have to say-- it's not always easy to empathize with my husband when his problems sound like they are of his own making or if I would have handled things differently than him. It can be hard to resist giving advice; especially if I think I know an easy "fix". But one of the things I've learned is that sometimes the best "solution" I can offer is to let him figure it out on his own. From my own experience, I know that the struggle is often what helps to develop our own abilities to problem solve as well as the confidence to try. 

This leads me to the other book I've been reading, which is called "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by Wallace Goddard. He says, "When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.” 

It isn't my job to fix anyone. I'm not even qualified for that! BUT...I know someone who is, and He (the Lord) can do a much better job than I could ever even dream of. After all, I've got enough of my own work to do on myself, so I might as well focus on loving my husband since that's what I can do best.

Finally, the other principle that I studied this week was how to create shared meaning with my spouse and why that's important. He says, "Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together - a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become." It can be easy to get caught up in the mechanics of running a household and raising children. And while my husband and I may have different dreams and goals in our lives, there's no reason we can't come together and support each other in them, Perhaps when we do that, we will be able to discover a new hobby or pastime that we didn't know we would enjoy. Even if we don't, we will have made a huge investment in the emotional bank account of someone we love which definitely makes it worthwhile.

W06 Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

John Gottman says: “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at time by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” I thought that was a really profound quote from our book. It’s true that when we choose to focus on what we love and admire about someone, those things become magnified and the small irritants seem to lessen in importance and almost fade away into the background.

            My husband, Joe, and I sat down to work through some of the exercises from the Seven Principles book with slight trepidation. We have a deep and abiding love for each other now, but it has come at a price. We have had some serious struggles over the years and I haven’t always been sure we would survive. However, through the blessings of the Atonement, lots of work, humility and forgiveness for both of us I think we are stronger today than we have ever been. We still have some of the same challenges that will probably be around forever, but we have learned how to work with them instead of fighting them. As we worked through these exercises, it was sweet to be reminded of the good things we have always seen in each other and hear how he feels our experiences have changed our marriage over time.

            After the exercises, I took the rest of the week to work on consciously overlooking any perceived flaws in Joe or little quirks that can bother me and instead work on showing my love for him in tangible ways. It was amazing to focus on just loving him instead of how I can change him, or get him to “see” something, etc. When I show my love in more and better ways, I FEEL it more. When Joe sees and feels my love, he is empowered and inspired to reciprocate and work on bettering our marriage however he can. When all of that comes together, it’s like magic!!

W05 to love is divine. to like AND love is even more divine ;-)

No one knows me like my husband does. No one knows him as well as I do either. It's the kind of knowing someone that comes with years of investment in the every day and small details of life together. We definitely have had our share of conflict, but we've learned to navigate through the differences and keep it together. I know that we can support each other through whatever life brings us, and I think that the friendship and bond that we have created is what has helped us to hold on when times are tough.

John Gottman, a well known relationship expert and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship that is founded upon a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately and they are very familiar with each others likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express fondness not just in the big ways but also in small gestures day in and day out."

Adam and Eve were also good examples of marital partners and we would do well to pattern our lives after them. Be compassionate, forgiving, and supportive. Always stick together.

My husband does a lot to lessen my burdens. He will send me to bed when I'm extra tired, or offer to make dinner when he knows I have a lot of work to do. He pulls the covers down at night before I get into bed and always holds the door open for me. These and many other acts of service let me know that he is thinking of me and cares about me. As our children grow and eventually leave the house to start their own lives, I am hopeful that my husband and I will have built a strong enough foundation in friendship that we can grow old together.

W04 covenant vs contract and the three wolves

        This week I've been reading through some truly excellent talks about marriage. One of them was by Bruce C. Hafen. He talked about "wolves" that will come for us in our lives and marriages and how they can destroy us if we are not prepared for them. The three wolves he talked about were natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. That really caught my attention and I thought more about excessive individualism because I think that's pretty much our culture in America these days. Everyone is all about themselves. Self care, me time, doing what makes me happy even if it might hurt someone else. The reason I think this is so important is that often times, things that are part of our culture are so automatic that our ability to recognize them becomes weakened or non existent. There is very little individualism in marriage. I've found that when I am being selfish, it impacts my relationship with my husband pretty quickly. I am easier to anger and less willing to serve. Not a good combination!

I want to remember that I am part of a covenant marriage at all times. I know that as my husband and I each draw closer to the Savior, we will also draw closer to each other. We've had some difficult years that I wasn't sure we were going to survive, but we have held on and our marriage is the better for it.

W03 Can we define something that we didn't design?

I've been reading a lot this week about the issue of same sex marriage. I took the time to read through some of the defining documents surrounding this issue, like the Supreme Court case of Obergefell vs. Hodges and the opinions of both the majority and the dissenting justices, along with listening to Ryan Anderson and Alexander Dushku, both advocates for marriage as well as religious freedom and the US Constitution in their own realms.

The evidence that defining marriage as being between a man and a woman is best for our country and it's citizens is compelling to say the least. I also need to add that in my mind, very little of this argument has anything to do with homosexuality. You could replace same sex marriage with any other variety of "marriage" that isn't monogamous between a man and a woman. The argument remains the same, which for me is figuring out what marriage actually is. My answer to this question centers around children and families. Marriage is about binding two people together for the purpose of creating children. Each parent is committed to the other and to the child, which in turn ensures that children are raised in the healthiest way possible with two invested parents. Mothers can't be fathers and fathers cannot be mothers. We are complementary to each other, coming together to create a much more powerful combination than just the sum of its parts. 

One of the things that was most insightful for me in my research was learning about the implications of redefining marriage for the future of our children and our country. What would that mean going forward? How would we prevent from legalizing all the other variants of marriage? What about polygamy? What about adults and underage children? Three people? 6? It's a slippery slope! Once we stray from one man/one woman, what principles do we have to stand on for denying anything else? 

What about our right to choose how we believe and act according to those beliefs without discrimination or fear of retribution?I fear there will come a day when I am forced to go against my core beliefs and the sanctity of what I hold most dear. I'm not sure what makes their rights supercede my own.

I am not against same sex couples having rights to property, inheritance, health insurance, etc. I don't think that those concerns are exclusive to same sex couples either. I think there are plenty of ways for us to solve these issues that do NOT include the redefining of marriage, and that is what I will continue to advocate for going forward.

W02 to marry...or not?

I've been reading this week about the changes that have taken place in our cultural views on marriage over the last few decades and the impact of divorce on families and children. Let me tell you, friends....the news is not good. Divorce rates are up. Cohabitation is commonplace. Fatherlessness is one of the supreme familial crises of our time, in my opinion. 

My parents divorced when I was young. While I'm sure they both made their fair share of mistakes, my dad was a violent and abusive man for many years and it was painful. The divorce was hard on my brother and I...but the push and pull by my parents in the life after the divorce was even harder. Court appearances, impossible choices, fighting, manipulating, and abuse followed us around until we were old enough to dictate our own lives. Divorce, whether or not it's warranted, is never easy. So, why is it so prevalent? Based on all of the things I've mentioned here, why is obtaining a divorce so easy?

About half of all marriages today end in divorce. Permissive divorce attitudes are associated with lower quality and more unstable marriages.  Additionally, there are many couples that decide to not marry at all, but instead live together and have children (or not). Even those kids who have never experienced a divorce are exposed to instability through relationships beginning and ending; parental figures in and out of their lives. People who live together without getting married are still more likely to break up than married couples. So, in essence, all the things that people think they are avoiding by not getting married....don't get avoided at all if there are children involved. 

Adults are free to choose their life path. That's one of the responsibilities and privileges of being an adult. But just because we CAN choose something doesn't mean that we SHOULD. There are times that I have thought about throwing in the towel on my own marriage. It's not easy building a life with another person! Life is full of hard things that will truly challenge us. That's never going to change. There was a point where I realized that my marriage commitment wasn't only to my husband, but it was also to the Lord and to these children that He has blessed us with. The only person who has not ever let me down is my Heavenly Father. The way He keeps His promises to me makes me want to keep mine to Him and I am blessed with a husband that feels similarly. That means that we stick together and work on becoming the people we need to be for our marriage to work and our children to grow up in the intact family that they deserve.

There have been times when I've wondered how life would have been if my parents had stayed married, but that doesn't mean that I necessarily think they should have.  I've had a lot of my own trauma to work through and it's taken a long time. It's been worth it though to be able to let go of those perspectives and hurts that were not doing me any good in my adult life. The most important work that I will do is here within the walls of my own home, with my own husband and children. Life isn't going to get easier for families. Spencer W. Kimball has said that "...only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us." I'm committed to doing the small daily acts like scripture study, family prayer, playing and working together, and spiritual learning in our home that will give us the strength we need to stay together through whatever comes our way.