This was another week of some really insightful material to cover and some things I wanted to include here on my blog that come directly from our material. First, I loved the idea of turning towards each other in our every day lives. What that means is taking time to connect with your spouse during what may seem like every day or mundane moments, such as over a meal, during routines, or even just checking in during the work day; being there in times of normalcy instead of just during crisis. John Gottman talked about the "stress-reducing conversation" as a way to help each of us manage stress that is not caused by our marriage so that it doesn't spill over and start to weaken our relationship with our spouse. He listed a method for having this conversation using the following technique:
1. Take turns. Each partner gets to talk for 15 minutes.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. Don't try to fix unless your partner has specifically asked for a solution. Focus on empathy and validation of feelings.
3. Show genuine interest. Focus on your spouse and use encouraging gestures like head nodding and "uh-huh", along with keeping eye contact.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize. "I can see why you feel that way."
5. Take your spouses side. This means being supportive even if you don't agree with their perspective. Don't make judgments or tell them what to do. Our job is to say "poor baby". haha!
6. Express an "us against them" attitude. Let your partner know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. Hold hands, tell them you love them, or some other form of loving contact.
8. Validate emotions. Let your spouse know that their feelings make sense to you. Say things like "yeah that is so sad" "I'd be worried too" or "I can see why you'd be annoyed about that"
If you aren't sure whether or not your spouse would like for you to offer ideas on how to solve the problem they're facing, you can always ask them. Gottman says that if we have this kind of conversation every day, it will benefit our marriage and we will come away with the conviction that our spouse is on our side. He says that knowing we are on the same team is one of the foundations of a long lasting friendship.
I have to say-- it's not always easy to empathize with my husband when his problems sound like they are of his own making or if I would have handled things differently than him. It can be hard to resist giving advice; especially if I think I know an easy "fix". But one of the things I've learned is that sometimes the best "solution" I can offer is to let him figure it out on his own. From my own experience, I know that the struggle is often what helps to develop our own abilities to problem solve as well as the confidence to try.
This leads me to the other book I've been reading, which is called "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by Wallace Goddard. He says, "When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.”
It isn't my job to fix anyone. I'm not even qualified for that! BUT...I know someone who is, and He (the Lord) can do a much better job than I could ever even dream of. After all, I've got enough of my own work to do on myself, so I might as well focus on loving my husband since that's what I can do best.
Finally, the other principle that I studied this week was how to create shared meaning with my spouse and why that's important. He says, "Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together - a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become." It can be easy to get caught up in the mechanics of running a household and raising children. And while my husband and I may have different dreams and goals in our lives, there's no reason we can't come together and support each other in them, Perhaps when we do that, we will be able to discover a new hobby or pastime that we didn't know we would enjoy. Even if we don't, we will have made a huge investment in the emotional bank account of someone we love which definitely makes it worthwhile.
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