W10 Charity

In the book "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, there is an entire chapter on charity. There is a quote from Marvin J. Ashton in this chapter that I have also had hanging in my home for years. It says: "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." Essentially, that would be having the mind of Christ and seeing our spouse the way that He sees them. It's a nice idea; but what does that actually look like in real life?

There is a story that is relayed in this same chapter about a man who is asking for counsel on how he might be able to possibly salvage his marriage to a woman he despises. He says that there is NOTHING about his wife that he even likes at this point. Even though he has tried everything to fix her and their marriage that nothing has helped. He still can't stand her. 

Maybe you've been there too; feeling like there is no hope of being happy in your current situation. I know I have, and it's not a good place to be.  What can we do to bring hope back? 

Here is the response that man was given:

"There were probably several things you enjoyed about your wife when you married her. After a while, differences. become irritants for most of us who are married. Then we make a critical choice. Will the irritants be the basis for blaming or for compassion? When we react with blame, it usually worsens the condition we hate. We see more faults and feel more irritated.  In our own ways, we all contribute to our own unhappiness. 

There is an alternative. At every critical juncture we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth.  We can, as Gottman suggests, "find the glory in our marital story." We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth. 

It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework. "

I thought this was so profound. Charity isn't automatic or always easily felt. But we can CHOOSE charity. We can CHOOSE to see our spouse as a person just like we are. A person with hopes and dreams, disappointments and weaknesses. We can show them the same kind of mercy that we want and need from the Savior.

I think most of us come into marriage with expectations, goals, and dreams of what we want our life to be like.  It can be truly heartbreaking when we have to face that not all of our dreams can come true. Not all of our expectations will be met. Our spouse might value things different from us. The magical part is that we are still okay. Goals and dreams can evolve into something entirely different than we started with. Expectations can be reevaluated. Values can change. Life is fluid. When we know better, we can do better. Our lives can become greater and hold deeper meaning than anything we imagine for ourselves if we let the One who created us take the lead. The Lord can see the end from the beginning and He wants us to be happy. If there's one thing I know, it's that marriage and parenting are the primary places where I feel the Refiners Fire burning in my life, molding me into something new and making beauty from the ashes.