W09 Gridlocked

According to John Gottman, about 69% of problems in marriage are perpetual. That means they will NEVER BE SOLVED!! I don't know about you, but that statistic is pretty dang discouraging to me. I'm not sure if that says more about the amount of conflict we've had or the quality of our problem solving....

Marriage is a unique combination of two people from different backgrounds, with different perceptions and ideas about how life should go, different dreams, goals, and different styles of pursuing them. There's bound to be some conflict. Gottman says that the most important thing is not if conflict exists (it does for everyone), but how we handle it when conflicts arise (because they will).

My husband and I have had differences surrounding money since very shortly after we got married (and combined our finances). It has been heated more times than I can count, and it has been HARD to maintain perspective and not let this issue rule the day.  And it's not just about money, of course. It's about the dreams and goals that we each have where money is involved. Dreams of owning a home, lifestyle expectations, when and how much we will financially contribute to our childrens educational pursuits, and even providing for ourselves once we retire. Its a lot to consider and try to come to an agreement on. Especially since my husband is the sole breadwinner and I am a stay at home mother to our four children. While I truly believe that it has been crucial for me to be at home raising my children and a blessing that is not afforded to many, it hasn't come without sacrifice.

According to Gottman, once we identify and define our various disagreements, we can customize our coping strategies. I'll admit it's taken a lot of counseling over the years to work through this issue...and by "work through", I really mean that I have had to adjust my expectations and decide what is most important to me. My marriage and family or some other life goal I had? And sometimes I have to remind myself again. Gottman says that couples who deal with perpetual problems in a way that keeps them in their place and doesn't overwhelm the relationship will be better off than those who get angry and disparage their spouse.

Of course there will be problems that can be solved. If these arise, it's best to get them taken care of  in a safe and healthy way so that you can move on together. The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem, Gottman says, is communicating basic acceptance of your partners personality. "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you."  Here are some strategies he recommends for conflict resolution.

1. Soften your startup (use I statements, don't complain). These conversations invariably end on the same note they began.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.If it starts to get heated, put the brakes on and calm down before continuing.
3.Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise. Accept influence from your partner.
5. Be tolerant of each others faults.Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.

Marriages can still thrive even with problems that won't ever be solved. This journey isn't meant to be easy. We are in the Refiners Fire here and we are in it together.  With God at the center of our marriage there is no conflict too hard to handle. Humility, kindness, and forgiveness are key.  Isn't that what we all want for ourselves? Lets not forget to grant the same grace to those we love most.