W10 Charity

In the book "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, there is an entire chapter on charity. There is a quote from Marvin J. Ashton in this chapter that I have also had hanging in my home for years. It says: "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." Essentially, that would be having the mind of Christ and seeing our spouse the way that He sees them. It's a nice idea; but what does that actually look like in real life?

There is a story that is relayed in this same chapter about a man who is asking for counsel on how he might be able to possibly salvage his marriage to a woman he despises. He says that there is NOTHING about his wife that he even likes at this point. Even though he has tried everything to fix her and their marriage that nothing has helped. He still can't stand her. 

Maybe you've been there too; feeling like there is no hope of being happy in your current situation. I know I have, and it's not a good place to be.  What can we do to bring hope back? 

Here is the response that man was given:

"There were probably several things you enjoyed about your wife when you married her. After a while, differences. become irritants for most of us who are married. Then we make a critical choice. Will the irritants be the basis for blaming or for compassion? When we react with blame, it usually worsens the condition we hate. We see more faults and feel more irritated.  In our own ways, we all contribute to our own unhappiness. 

There is an alternative. At every critical juncture we can choose compassion. We can choose understanding, patience, and personal growth.  We can, as Gottman suggests, "find the glory in our marital story." We can use our differences to balance each other and to spur growth. 

It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework. "

I thought this was so profound. Charity isn't automatic or always easily felt. But we can CHOOSE charity. We can CHOOSE to see our spouse as a person just like we are. A person with hopes and dreams, disappointments and weaknesses. We can show them the same kind of mercy that we want and need from the Savior.

I think most of us come into marriage with expectations, goals, and dreams of what we want our life to be like.  It can be truly heartbreaking when we have to face that not all of our dreams can come true. Not all of our expectations will be met. Our spouse might value things different from us. The magical part is that we are still okay. Goals and dreams can evolve into something entirely different than we started with. Expectations can be reevaluated. Values can change. Life is fluid. When we know better, we can do better. Our lives can become greater and hold deeper meaning than anything we imagine for ourselves if we let the One who created us take the lead. The Lord can see the end from the beginning and He wants us to be happy. If there's one thing I know, it's that marriage and parenting are the primary places where I feel the Refiners Fire burning in my life, molding me into something new and making beauty from the ashes.

W09 Gridlocked

According to John Gottman, about 69% of problems in marriage are perpetual. That means they will NEVER BE SOLVED!! I don't know about you, but that statistic is pretty dang discouraging to me. I'm not sure if that says more about the amount of conflict we've had or the quality of our problem solving....

Marriage is a unique combination of two people from different backgrounds, with different perceptions and ideas about how life should go, different dreams, goals, and different styles of pursuing them. There's bound to be some conflict. Gottman says that the most important thing is not if conflict exists (it does for everyone), but how we handle it when conflicts arise (because they will).

My husband and I have had differences surrounding money since very shortly after we got married (and combined our finances). It has been heated more times than I can count, and it has been HARD to maintain perspective and not let this issue rule the day.  And it's not just about money, of course. It's about the dreams and goals that we each have where money is involved. Dreams of owning a home, lifestyle expectations, when and how much we will financially contribute to our childrens educational pursuits, and even providing for ourselves once we retire. Its a lot to consider and try to come to an agreement on. Especially since my husband is the sole breadwinner and I am a stay at home mother to our four children. While I truly believe that it has been crucial for me to be at home raising my children and a blessing that is not afforded to many, it hasn't come without sacrifice.

According to Gottman, once we identify and define our various disagreements, we can customize our coping strategies. I'll admit it's taken a lot of counseling over the years to work through this issue...and by "work through", I really mean that I have had to adjust my expectations and decide what is most important to me. My marriage and family or some other life goal I had? And sometimes I have to remind myself again. Gottman says that couples who deal with perpetual problems in a way that keeps them in their place and doesn't overwhelm the relationship will be better off than those who get angry and disparage their spouse.

Of course there will be problems that can be solved. If these arise, it's best to get them taken care of  in a safe and healthy way so that you can move on together. The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem, Gottman says, is communicating basic acceptance of your partners personality. "Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you."  Here are some strategies he recommends for conflict resolution.

1. Soften your startup (use I statements, don't complain). These conversations invariably end on the same note they began.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.If it starts to get heated, put the brakes on and calm down before continuing.
3.Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise. Accept influence from your partner.
5. Be tolerant of each others faults.Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.

Marriages can still thrive even with problems that won't ever be solved. This journey isn't meant to be easy. We are in the Refiners Fire here and we are in it together.  With God at the center of our marriage there is no conflict too hard to handle. Humility, kindness, and forgiveness are key.  Isn't that what we all want for ourselves? Lets not forget to grant the same grace to those we love most.

W08 Beware of Pride

This week I had an opportunity to revisit one of my favorite talks given by Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet and president of my church (Links to an external site.). The talk was on pride and all of the ways that it is manifest in our lives and can affect our relationships with self and others. Some of the topics he touched on were disobedience, selfishness, and contention. 

One of my favorite quotes from his talk was this:

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

As I read this, I thought about the times when I can find a hundred things wrong with my husband and none with myself.  It's easy to feel frustration or impatience with what we think are someone else's imperfections. Those thoughts and feelings will grow exponentially if they are given the space and time to grow. I remember one time I was talking to someone about some of my husbands "shortcomings". He said to me: Have you ever done (whatever annoying thing I had mentioned)? I said yes, of course. He wondered what made it any different for me than my husband. It was a good life lesson on being as patient with others as I am with myself.  It was quite humbling! ha!  

President Benson also said this: Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

This is a great question for all of us to reflect on, especially as it pertains to our spouse and children. Do I desire to life others and bring them to Christ? Do I show them that in the way that I treat them?

I loved the grapefruit analogy in Goddards book. I can relate to being the wife listing off small offenses and things that bug her. My husband would say the same thing if he was asked what bothers him about me. Nothing. And as romantic as that sounds, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with the kind of man my husband really is.  

W07 Turning Towards Each Other & Sharing meaning

This was another week of some really insightful material to cover and some things I wanted to include here on my blog that come directly from our material. First, I loved the idea of turning towards each other in our every day lives. What that means is taking time to connect with your spouse during what may seem like every day or mundane moments, such as over a meal, during routines, or even just checking in during the work day; being there in times of normalcy instead of just during crisis. John Gottman talked about the "stress-reducing conversation" as a way to help each of us manage stress that is not caused by our marriage so that it doesn't spill over and start to weaken our relationship with our spouse. He listed a method for having this conversation using the following technique:
1. Take turns. Each partner gets to talk for 15 minutes.
2. Don't give unsolicited advice. Don't try to fix unless your partner has specifically asked for a solution. Focus on empathy and validation of feelings.
3. Show genuine interest. Focus on your spouse and use encouraging gestures like head nodding and "uh-huh", along with keeping eye contact.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize. "I can see why you feel that way."
5. Take your spouses side. This means being supportive even if you don't agree with their perspective. Don't make judgments or tell them what to do. Our job is to say "poor baby". haha!
6. Express an "us against them" attitude. Let your partner know that you are in this together.
7. Express affection. Hold hands, tell them you love them, or some other form of loving contact.
8. Validate emotions. Let your spouse know that their feelings make sense to you. Say things like "yeah that is so sad" "I'd be worried too" or "I can see why you'd be annoyed about that"

If you aren't sure whether or not your spouse would like for you to offer ideas on how to solve the problem they're facing, you can always ask them. Gottman says that if we have this kind of conversation every day, it will benefit our marriage and we will come away with the conviction that our spouse is on our side. He says that knowing we are on the same team is one of the foundations of a long lasting friendship. 

I have to say-- it's not always easy to empathize with my husband when his problems sound like they are of his own making or if I would have handled things differently than him. It can be hard to resist giving advice; especially if I think I know an easy "fix". But one of the things I've learned is that sometimes the best "solution" I can offer is to let him figure it out on his own. From my own experience, I know that the struggle is often what helps to develop our own abilities to problem solve as well as the confidence to try. 

This leads me to the other book I've been reading, which is called "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by Wallace Goddard. He says, "When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.” 

It isn't my job to fix anyone. I'm not even qualified for that! BUT...I know someone who is, and He (the Lord) can do a much better job than I could ever even dream of. After all, I've got enough of my own work to do on myself, so I might as well focus on loving my husband since that's what I can do best.

Finally, the other principle that I studied this week was how to create shared meaning with my spouse and why that's important. He says, "Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together - a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become." It can be easy to get caught up in the mechanics of running a household and raising children. And while my husband and I may have different dreams and goals in our lives, there's no reason we can't come together and support each other in them, Perhaps when we do that, we will be able to discover a new hobby or pastime that we didn't know we would enjoy. Even if we don't, we will have made a huge investment in the emotional bank account of someone we love which definitely makes it worthwhile.