W06 Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

John Gottman says: “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at time by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” I thought that was a really profound quote from our book. It’s true that when we choose to focus on what we love and admire about someone, those things become magnified and the small irritants seem to lessen in importance and almost fade away into the background.

            My husband, Joe, and I sat down to work through some of the exercises from the Seven Principles book with slight trepidation. We have a deep and abiding love for each other now, but it has come at a price. We have had some serious struggles over the years and I haven’t always been sure we would survive. However, through the blessings of the Atonement, lots of work, humility and forgiveness for both of us I think we are stronger today than we have ever been. We still have some of the same challenges that will probably be around forever, but we have learned how to work with them instead of fighting them. As we worked through these exercises, it was sweet to be reminded of the good things we have always seen in each other and hear how he feels our experiences have changed our marriage over time.

            After the exercises, I took the rest of the week to work on consciously overlooking any perceived flaws in Joe or little quirks that can bother me and instead work on showing my love for him in tangible ways. It was amazing to focus on just loving him instead of how I can change him, or get him to “see” something, etc. When I show my love in more and better ways, I FEEL it more. When Joe sees and feels my love, he is empowered and inspired to reciprocate and work on bettering our marriage however he can. When all of that comes together, it’s like magic!!

W05 to love is divine. to like AND love is even more divine ;-)

No one knows me like my husband does. No one knows him as well as I do either. It's the kind of knowing someone that comes with years of investment in the every day and small details of life together. We definitely have had our share of conflict, but we've learned to navigate through the differences and keep it together. I know that we can support each other through whatever life brings us, and I think that the friendship and bond that we have created is what has helped us to hold on when times are tough.

John Gottman, a well known relationship expert and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship that is founded upon a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately and they are very familiar with each others likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express fondness not just in the big ways but also in small gestures day in and day out."

Adam and Eve were also good examples of marital partners and we would do well to pattern our lives after them. Be compassionate, forgiving, and supportive. Always stick together.

My husband does a lot to lessen my burdens. He will send me to bed when I'm extra tired, or offer to make dinner when he knows I have a lot of work to do. He pulls the covers down at night before I get into bed and always holds the door open for me. These and many other acts of service let me know that he is thinking of me and cares about me. As our children grow and eventually leave the house to start their own lives, I am hopeful that my husband and I will have built a strong enough foundation in friendship that we can grow old together.

W04 covenant vs contract and the three wolves

        This week I've been reading through some truly excellent talks about marriage. One of them was by Bruce C. Hafen. He talked about "wolves" that will come for us in our lives and marriages and how they can destroy us if we are not prepared for them. The three wolves he talked about were natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. That really caught my attention and I thought more about excessive individualism because I think that's pretty much our culture in America these days. Everyone is all about themselves. Self care, me time, doing what makes me happy even if it might hurt someone else. The reason I think this is so important is that often times, things that are part of our culture are so automatic that our ability to recognize them becomes weakened or non existent. There is very little individualism in marriage. I've found that when I am being selfish, it impacts my relationship with my husband pretty quickly. I am easier to anger and less willing to serve. Not a good combination!

I want to remember that I am part of a covenant marriage at all times. I know that as my husband and I each draw closer to the Savior, we will also draw closer to each other. We've had some difficult years that I wasn't sure we were going to survive, but we have held on and our marriage is the better for it.

W03 Can we define something that we didn't design?

I've been reading a lot this week about the issue of same sex marriage. I took the time to read through some of the defining documents surrounding this issue, like the Supreme Court case of Obergefell vs. Hodges and the opinions of both the majority and the dissenting justices, along with listening to Ryan Anderson and Alexander Dushku, both advocates for marriage as well as religious freedom and the US Constitution in their own realms.

The evidence that defining marriage as being between a man and a woman is best for our country and it's citizens is compelling to say the least. I also need to add that in my mind, very little of this argument has anything to do with homosexuality. You could replace same sex marriage with any other variety of "marriage" that isn't monogamous between a man and a woman. The argument remains the same, which for me is figuring out what marriage actually is. My answer to this question centers around children and families. Marriage is about binding two people together for the purpose of creating children. Each parent is committed to the other and to the child, which in turn ensures that children are raised in the healthiest way possible with two invested parents. Mothers can't be fathers and fathers cannot be mothers. We are complementary to each other, coming together to create a much more powerful combination than just the sum of its parts. 

One of the things that was most insightful for me in my research was learning about the implications of redefining marriage for the future of our children and our country. What would that mean going forward? How would we prevent from legalizing all the other variants of marriage? What about polygamy? What about adults and underage children? Three people? 6? It's a slippery slope! Once we stray from one man/one woman, what principles do we have to stand on for denying anything else? 

What about our right to choose how we believe and act according to those beliefs without discrimination or fear of retribution?I fear there will come a day when I am forced to go against my core beliefs and the sanctity of what I hold most dear. I'm not sure what makes their rights supercede my own.

I am not against same sex couples having rights to property, inheritance, health insurance, etc. I don't think that those concerns are exclusive to same sex couples either. I think there are plenty of ways for us to solve these issues that do NOT include the redefining of marriage, and that is what I will continue to advocate for going forward.

W02 to marry...or not?

I've been reading this week about the changes that have taken place in our cultural views on marriage over the last few decades and the impact of divorce on families and children. Let me tell you, friends....the news is not good. Divorce rates are up. Cohabitation is commonplace. Fatherlessness is one of the supreme familial crises of our time, in my opinion. 

My parents divorced when I was young. While I'm sure they both made their fair share of mistakes, my dad was a violent and abusive man for many years and it was painful. The divorce was hard on my brother and I...but the push and pull by my parents in the life after the divorce was even harder. Court appearances, impossible choices, fighting, manipulating, and abuse followed us around until we were old enough to dictate our own lives. Divorce, whether or not it's warranted, is never easy. So, why is it so prevalent? Based on all of the things I've mentioned here, why is obtaining a divorce so easy?

About half of all marriages today end in divorce. Permissive divorce attitudes are associated with lower quality and more unstable marriages.  Additionally, there are many couples that decide to not marry at all, but instead live together and have children (or not). Even those kids who have never experienced a divorce are exposed to instability through relationships beginning and ending; parental figures in and out of their lives. People who live together without getting married are still more likely to break up than married couples. So, in essence, all the things that people think they are avoiding by not getting married....don't get avoided at all if there are children involved. 

Adults are free to choose their life path. That's one of the responsibilities and privileges of being an adult. But just because we CAN choose something doesn't mean that we SHOULD. There are times that I have thought about throwing in the towel on my own marriage. It's not easy building a life with another person! Life is full of hard things that will truly challenge us. That's never going to change. There was a point where I realized that my marriage commitment wasn't only to my husband, but it was also to the Lord and to these children that He has blessed us with. The only person who has not ever let me down is my Heavenly Father. The way He keeps His promises to me makes me want to keep mine to Him and I am blessed with a husband that feels similarly. That means that we stick together and work on becoming the people we need to be for our marriage to work and our children to grow up in the intact family that they deserve.

There have been times when I've wondered how life would have been if my parents had stayed married, but that doesn't mean that I necessarily think they should have.  I've had a lot of my own trauma to work through and it's taken a long time. It's been worth it though to be able to let go of those perspectives and hurts that were not doing me any good in my adult life. The most important work that I will do is here within the walls of my own home, with my own husband and children. Life isn't going to get easier for families. Spencer W. Kimball has said that "...only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us." I'm committed to doing the small daily acts like scripture study, family prayer, playing and working together, and spiritual learning in our home that will give us the strength we need to stay together through whatever comes our way.

here we are.

I have always known I would be an eternal student. I enjoy school. I like learning new things and becoming knowledgeable and proficient in subjects I care about. In college I majored in both Psychology and Marriage and Family Studies. My plan was to be at stay at home wife and mother if I was given the opportunity and also to be a therapist at some point either before or after raising a family. I am passionate about relationships. I love learning about how people work and why they think the ways they do. I think it takes a lot of courage to seek out someone who can help us overcome negative thinking, challenge our perceptions when they are not helpful, and learn better coping strategies than the ones we've developed on our own. Life is HARD! That's one thing I know for sure. We can find a lot of joy in the journey of course. Knowing that the hard things we go through help refine us and mold us into the daughters and sons of God that we are meant to be can really provide a lot of strength and ability to endure whatever comes our way.

I'm a little older...and wiser...than I was when I was in college the first time. I've been married for 17 years and have four children. Five if you count my pseudo-adopted daughter who spends more time with us than she does at her house. I'm still really passionate about the same things- relationships, the way we think, what motivates us and how we deal with all the experiences we have in life. I'm also passionate about marriage and family as social constructs and institutions. I think that these are both absolutely fundamental units of our country and the world at large.

About a year ago, I had two of the most difficult experiences of my life. In the midst of those things, I felt impressed that it was time to get back to school. The timing wasn't awesome. My kids are still young and they need a lot from me. My job at home isn't even close to done, but it's important to me that I follow through on promptings I receive. I believe the Lord knows what I need (and what my family needs) even better than I do, and I am so grateful that He cares enough about all of us that He will lovingly guide us to become the best versions of ourselves if we let Him.

So here we are. I've been back in school for three semesters so far and just started my fourth. It takes 90% of my brain power and time. It's hard, interesting, thought provoking, tiring, hard, so enriching, hard and also adds a whole new dimension to my life and purpose. Did I say hard? ;-) Basically, I love it but struggle to manage it with everything else I am responsible for. To top it off, I had a very demanding calling at church for the first three semesters. I'm positive I was able to survive and thrive solely because I was being carried and magnified in a way that I know could have only come from the Lord. His love is truly magnificent. 

I started this blog as part of an assignment for one of my classes. I look forward to writing out my thoughts and gaining new perspective as I go.