I've been reading this week about
the changes that have taken place in our cultural views on marriage over the
last few decades and the impact of divorce on families and children. Let me
tell you, friends....the news is not good. Divorce rates are up. Cohabitation
is commonplace. Fatherlessness is one of the supreme familial crises of our
time, in my opinion.
My parents divorced when I was young.
While I'm sure they both made their fair share of mistakes, my dad was a
violent and abusive man for many years and it was painful. The divorce was hard
on my brother and I...but the push and pull by my parents in the life after the
divorce was even harder. Court appearances, impossible choices, fighting,
manipulating, and abuse followed us around until we were old enough to dictate
our own lives. Divorce, whether or not it's warranted, is never easy. So, why
is it so prevalent? Based on all of the things I've mentioned here, why is
obtaining a divorce so easy?
About half of all marriages today
end in divorce. Permissive divorce attitudes are associated with lower quality
and more unstable marriages. Additionally, there are many couples that
decide to not marry at all, but instead live together and have children (or
not). Even those kids who have never experienced a divorce are exposed to
instability through relationships beginning and ending; parental figures in and
out of their lives. People who live together without getting married are still
more likely to break up than married couples. So, in essence, all the things
that people think they are avoiding by not getting married....don't get avoided
at all if there are children involved.
Adults are free to choose their
life path. That's one of the responsibilities and privileges of being an adult.
But just because we CAN choose something doesn't mean that we SHOULD. There are
times that I have thought about throwing in the towel on my own marriage. It's
not easy building a life with another person! Life is full of hard things that
will truly challenge us. That's never going to change. There was a point where
I realized that my marriage commitment wasn't only to my husband, but it was
also to the Lord and to these children that He has blessed us with. The only person
who has not ever let me down is my Heavenly Father. The way He keeps His
promises to me makes me want to keep mine to Him and I am blessed with a
husband that feels similarly. That means that we stick together and work on
becoming the people we need to be for our marriage to work and our children to
grow up in the intact family that they deserve.
There have been times when I've
wondered how life would have been if my parents had stayed married, but that
doesn't mean that I necessarily think they should have. I've had a lot of
my own trauma to work through and it's taken a long time. It's been worth it
though to be able to let go of those perspectives and hurts that were not doing
me any good in my adult life. The most important work that I will do is here
within the walls of my own home, with my own husband and children. Life isn't
going to get easier for families. Spencer W. Kimball has said that
"...only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able
to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us."
I'm committed to doing the small daily acts like scripture study, family
prayer, playing and working together, and spiritual learning in our home that
will give us the strength we need to stay together through whatever comes our
way.
