W06 Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

John Gottman says: “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at time by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” I thought that was a really profound quote from our book. It’s true that when we choose to focus on what we love and admire about someone, those things become magnified and the small irritants seem to lessen in importance and almost fade away into the background.

            My husband, Joe, and I sat down to work through some of the exercises from the Seven Principles book with slight trepidation. We have a deep and abiding love for each other now, but it has come at a price. We have had some serious struggles over the years and I haven’t always been sure we would survive. However, through the blessings of the Atonement, lots of work, humility and forgiveness for both of us I think we are stronger today than we have ever been. We still have some of the same challenges that will probably be around forever, but we have learned how to work with them instead of fighting them. As we worked through these exercises, it was sweet to be reminded of the good things we have always seen in each other and hear how he feels our experiences have changed our marriage over time.

            After the exercises, I took the rest of the week to work on consciously overlooking any perceived flaws in Joe or little quirks that can bother me and instead work on showing my love for him in tangible ways. It was amazing to focus on just loving him instead of how I can change him, or get him to “see” something, etc. When I show my love in more and better ways, I FEEL it more. When Joe sees and feels my love, he is empowered and inspired to reciprocate and work on bettering our marriage however he can. When all of that comes together, it’s like magic!!

W05 to love is divine. to like AND love is even more divine ;-)

No one knows me like my husband does. No one knows him as well as I do either. It's the kind of knowing someone that comes with years of investment in the every day and small details of life together. We definitely have had our share of conflict, but we've learned to navigate through the differences and keep it together. I know that we can support each other through whatever life brings us, and I think that the friendship and bond that we have created is what has helped us to hold on when times are tough.

John Gottman, a well known relationship expert and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship that is founded upon a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately and they are very familiar with each others likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express fondness not just in the big ways but also in small gestures day in and day out."

Adam and Eve were also good examples of marital partners and we would do well to pattern our lives after them. Be compassionate, forgiving, and supportive. Always stick together.

My husband does a lot to lessen my burdens. He will send me to bed when I'm extra tired, or offer to make dinner when he knows I have a lot of work to do. He pulls the covers down at night before I get into bed and always holds the door open for me. These and many other acts of service let me know that he is thinking of me and cares about me. As our children grow and eventually leave the house to start their own lives, I am hopeful that my husband and I will have built a strong enough foundation in friendship that we can grow old together.

W04 covenant vs contract and the three wolves

        This week I've been reading through some truly excellent talks about marriage. One of them was by Bruce C. Hafen. He talked about "wolves" that will come for us in our lives and marriages and how they can destroy us if we are not prepared for them. The three wolves he talked about were natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. That really caught my attention and I thought more about excessive individualism because I think that's pretty much our culture in America these days. Everyone is all about themselves. Self care, me time, doing what makes me happy even if it might hurt someone else. The reason I think this is so important is that often times, things that are part of our culture are so automatic that our ability to recognize them becomes weakened or non existent. There is very little individualism in marriage. I've found that when I am being selfish, it impacts my relationship with my husband pretty quickly. I am easier to anger and less willing to serve. Not a good combination!

I want to remember that I am part of a covenant marriage at all times. I know that as my husband and I each draw closer to the Savior, we will also draw closer to each other. We've had some difficult years that I wasn't sure we were going to survive, but we have held on and our marriage is the better for it.

W03 Can we define something that we didn't design?

I've been reading a lot this week about the issue of same sex marriage. I took the time to read through some of the defining documents surrounding this issue, like the Supreme Court case of Obergefell vs. Hodges and the opinions of both the majority and the dissenting justices, along with listening to Ryan Anderson and Alexander Dushku, both advocates for marriage as well as religious freedom and the US Constitution in their own realms.

The evidence that defining marriage as being between a man and a woman is best for our country and it's citizens is compelling to say the least. I also need to add that in my mind, very little of this argument has anything to do with homosexuality. You could replace same sex marriage with any other variety of "marriage" that isn't monogamous between a man and a woman. The argument remains the same, which for me is figuring out what marriage actually is. My answer to this question centers around children and families. Marriage is about binding two people together for the purpose of creating children. Each parent is committed to the other and to the child, which in turn ensures that children are raised in the healthiest way possible with two invested parents. Mothers can't be fathers and fathers cannot be mothers. We are complementary to each other, coming together to create a much more powerful combination than just the sum of its parts. 

One of the things that was most insightful for me in my research was learning about the implications of redefining marriage for the future of our children and our country. What would that mean going forward? How would we prevent from legalizing all the other variants of marriage? What about polygamy? What about adults and underage children? Three people? 6? It's a slippery slope! Once we stray from one man/one woman, what principles do we have to stand on for denying anything else? 

What about our right to choose how we believe and act according to those beliefs without discrimination or fear of retribution?I fear there will come a day when I am forced to go against my core beliefs and the sanctity of what I hold most dear. I'm not sure what makes their rights supercede my own.

I am not against same sex couples having rights to property, inheritance, health insurance, etc. I don't think that those concerns are exclusive to same sex couples either. I think there are plenty of ways for us to solve these issues that do NOT include the redefining of marriage, and that is what I will continue to advocate for going forward.